two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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