This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
