And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
