I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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