Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
