i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
