the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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