I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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