I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
