like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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