i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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