trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
