Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
