I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
