Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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