Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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