can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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