i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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