I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
