I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
