Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
