dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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