he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
