how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The beer is more important than you right now.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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