I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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