just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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