the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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