is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
