people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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