I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
