The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
