I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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