Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
