So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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