did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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