dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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