That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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