she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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