please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
