a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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