Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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