i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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