Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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