I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
