What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
