roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
