I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
