I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
