you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She needs sedatives and a leash
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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