Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
