Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
