that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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