I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
