Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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